GTA IV's Meth Recipe Could Lead to Death by Explosion
There’s a lot of things in Grand Theft Auto that you ought not to do in real life. Actually, you shouldn’t do anything from that game in real life, but now you can chalk up “cook crystal meth” to that laundry list.
If you didn’t know or really care, the UK is going through a kerfuffle over who gets control of video games ratings. The real news is that the prior ratings board discovered a recipe to synthesize crystal meth in Grand Theft Auto IV. After some damned good fact checking, the board found the recipe inaccurate and decided to let it remain.
I don’t know if that’s hardly any more responsible than putting in an actual meth recipe. It’s high-risk as it is to singe your ass hairs by cooking this shit up, one wrong amount and KABLAMMO! Giving out totally erroneous tips is well enough to guarantee a good fragging. All I know is I think I tasted egg and cinnamon.
[Joystiq]
'The Kush' Under Fire in Illinois
The land of Abraham Lincoln is an ironic hotbed of racism, which goes a long way to explaining why you can get 25 years in jail there for pot. These de facto life sentences for marijuana are actually too lenient, says Illinois’ Republican representative Mark Kirk.
Illinois likes to drink till 4 a.m., smoke cigars in their hospitals, and gorge on cheeseburgers, but your ass is grass if you smoke marijuana. Kirk wants marijuana purveyors to spend up to 35 years in jail if they’re fucking with the good shit, according to his new bill HR 2828, the High-Potency Marijuana Sentencing Enhancement Act.
“… Kush and other high-potency marijuana strains are so worrying,” Kirk says. “Local law enforcement reports that Kush users are ‘zombie-like’ because of extreme THC levels.”
Don’t know what’s funnier. This white bread honky:
saying the word “Kush” over and over again, or that the City of Chicago is going the opposite way and turning weed possession into a ticket to boost revenue/save jail space.
UPDATE: Snoop Dogg just called us. He says Kirk’s license to use the word ‘kush’ has been revoked. “Kirk can, however, refer to high-potency cannabis as ‘Milf Weed’, the ‘sticky icky’ or ‘Sam from Quantum Leap’,” says Dogg.
Early Halloween Idea #472: Coke Shark
Tis the season for migration – the humpbacks head south, the Arizonans head West, and of course, the coke sharks swim northward to Mexico.
Authorities intercepted a school of such Arm & Hammerheads [groan] this week in the Mexican port of Progreso, Mexico’s Navy Secretariat reported. Almost 2,000 pounds of Columbian yayo was found in the frozen guts of hundreds of sharks packed into a shipping container from the vessel Dover Strait. The school of coke sharks was en route to the USA via Costa Rica when port authorities scanned their container with a GT-200 molecular detector and reeled in the cache.
No matter, some 650 tons of cocaine will make it into America this year by the usual routes: heroin-laden humpbacks and meth mules from Phoenix.
[Latin American Herald Tribune]
All DEA, Please Report to Afghanistan [Man Up]
The graveyard of empires has some new residents, America’s much-loved DEA agentry.
McClatchy reports lengthily this week that some DEA pilots are being “forced” into tours inside Afghanistan and are none too happy about it; further proving God exists and has a fine sense of humor. After turning America in a war zone, these fine drug warriors shall now taste some real action.
“You could say that the war on drugs is dangerous,” said David Beavers, a DEA pilot for more than 20 years who retired rather than ship out. But it’s not quite like Afghanistan, where you can get your legs blown off by an (improvised explosive device).”According to the report, gay, mouthy DEA agents are suing rather than go fight a populace who fights back.
“There are number of guys who say ‘I don’t want to go,’ but they suck it up and go,” one agent said. “What’s going to happen is somebody at some point is going to get killed.”
Yeah, because that’s never happened before.
Manny Ramirez Suspended 50 Games for Drug Violation
The Los Angeles Times reported earlier today that Dodgers All-Star slugger Manny Ramirez has tested positive for performance enhancing drugs. Ramirez will serve a 50 game suspension levied by Major League Baseball beginning tonight.
In a statement released by the MLB Players Association, Ramirez attributed the violation to a medication prescribed by his doctor.
“Recently I saw a physician for a personal health issue. He gave me a medication, not a steroid, which he thought was okay to give me,” Ramirez said. “Unfortunately, the medication was banned under our drug policy. Under the policy that mistake is now my responsibility. I have been advised not to say anything more for now. I do want to say one other thing; I’ve taken and passed about 15 drug tests over the past five seasons.”
I have nothing snarky to say about this because I love the Dodgers. This news comes the day after the Dodgers broke the MLB modern-day record by notching their 13th straight win at home to begin the season. Now this news could possibly derail the team’s success for the rest of the year. Fuck my life.
[LA Times: Manny Ramirez will be suspended 50 games for positive drug test]
In These Tough Economic Times, Star Athletes and Their Moms Are Pushing Weight
Apparently throwing a baseball faster than fuck for thousands of dollars can’t even stop your mom from peddling tweak in these damned economic ages. Jacqueline Standley, mother of New York Yankees star hurler Joba Chamberlain, was arrested over the weekend and charged Monday with delivery of an exceptionally hazardous drug. Standley was popped on some deep undercover shit on Feb. 11 when a Lincoln, Neb. officer purchased a gram of meth from Standley for $110. C’mon Joba, you’re slated to make a scratch under half a million bucks this year and your mom still has to push meth rocks? In the true words of Raekwon the Chef, times is rough and tough like leather indeed.
While fine industries such as pornography and canned soup remain recession-proof, it appears that athletics are not. Last month former NFL running back Travis Henry pleaded guilty to trafficking cocaine after financing five kilos to be sold in Montana. Former NBA forward Corie Blount also pleaded guilty to some hefty drug charges in April after Ohio sheriff deputies caught Blount with his own stimulus package—29 pounds of marijuana. And just in time for Mom’s Day, the mother of a rising star gets rung up for a measly gram of meth.
Need a few gift ideas, Joba? How about the new Diana Krall, Chris Botti, or maybe even a $5000 bail bond?
[ESPN: Joba’s mother faces drug charges]
'Everybody Must Get Stoned' Author Talks 'Beer, Cunt, and Horn Music'
Cocaine-Laden Narco-Subs Set Sail for Mexico Every Week
Stupid-ass economy got you down? It could be worse. You could be making a measly $6,000 to spend fourteen days inside a godforsaken Colombian drug submarine with no bathroom, sleeping on gas tanks and motoring 3,500 miles north to Mexico. Oh yeah, and you might die.
Vice Magazine’s video department VBS.TV has a humbling, new, five-part web series on Narco-Subs featuring jaw-dropping footage of drug-laden speed boats, subs and former traffickers. Vice’s crew headed to the Malaga Naval Base in Colombia where the Pacific Coast Guard has interdicted or captured 36 narco-subs since 1993. They’re all substandard, non-commercial death traps that make you pity any soul desperate enough to climb into the wood and fiberglass heap.
According to the series—the Medellin cartel first adapted their old, high-speed cigarette boat designs by adding depth, a roof and exhaust pipes. Now, the subs are manufactured four at a time in 45 days in godforsaken Colombian jungle sub factories by some of the poorest people on Earth. The subs are then taken out to sea where they are loaded down with cocaine and sent on their way to Mexico. The drugs are offloaded and sent into the States.
